Too Lost to be Saved?
by DrenchedInMyPainAgain
Summary: Dawn's life isn't easy, and she is turning down a road leading to no good. Dawn is losing herself to a cutting addiction. Can her friends and family realize what she is doing and save her from herself? Or is Dawn to lost to be saved?
1. A Broken Promise

Here comes the rain again,

Falling from the sky.

Drenched in my pain again,

Becoming who we are.

"How does he know me?" thought Dawn as she listened to her favorite song for about the millionth time today. She rolled over and glanced at the clock, not bothering to panic. Buffy would be in soon to yell at her for staying in bed so late. That's if she wasn't off sleeping with Spike or, fighting another vampire. "Maybe she's even sleeping with a vampire who's not Spike" Dawn began to ponder, but her thoughts were interrupted as her annoying sister barged into her room and shut her music off.

"Do you mind? It's called privacy and who gave you the…" I began.

"Excuse me? It's called being considerate and keeping the volume down. And besides, it's time for you to get up anyways." Buffy cut in.

"It's Saturday, you know, no school." I stated before Buffy rolled her eyes and told me to get dressed. Then she walked out of the room without bothering to close my door.

I sighed, got up and closed the door, then put my music back on. I opened my closet and selected an outfit. "Casual, yet classy." I thought. I began to put on the black tee shirt when some bright red marks caught my eye. I glanced at my arm, and the memory of last night came flooding back to haunt me. I sat down on the bed, remembering. I remembered that I wasn't real. I remembered how Buffy had died for me, when it should have been me. I remembered how they brought her back, Buffy being even more distant than before. Now Willow was off with Giles, learning to not skin people. And Tara was… I dug my nails into my arm. Tara was dead. She was the only one who knew, and now Tara was dead.

It had happened awhile ago; during the summer Buffy was gone. Dead. Tara had found out my secret. The one that no one was supposed to know. She had walked in on me. I tried to hide it, tell her that I slipped and accidentally cut my arm with a razor, but she knew. Tara wasn't stupid. She wasn't like the rest of them. She had suspected all along and she now had the proof. She cried out when she saw the crimson beads falling into the sink. I pressed Kleenex to my arm and tried to cover it up, but she had found out. At first she just looked distressed as she walked over and washed the cut out, then applied pressure to stop the bleeding. "Dawnie…" she had began. But I cut her off "Tara, please, I'm so sorry. It wont happen again." I could tell by the look in her eyes that she knew it was easier said than done. "Dawnie… I know your life is hard, but you can't hurt yourself, Dawnie please!" She began to cry quietly. The guilt that hit me was more than I could bear and I broke down crying. We sat there for a while. Both of us crying and not knowing what to say. Eventually she calmed down and then proceeded to comfort me. She told me that I had to stop, and I begged her not to tell the others. She told me that we'd make a promise to each other. I wouldn't cut, and she wouldn't tell. We shook on it, then hugged, and would have started crying again if it weren't for Xander, wanting to know what was going on. I hid my arm and Tara just said "girl stuff." He got a scared look in his eye and said "Then I will be waiting downstairs like a good chauffer." Tara and I trailed after him, both off us thinking of what had just happened and wondering if the other would hold true to their promise.

I never did cut again, until I walked into the room that day after school. And saw Tara lying there. Alone. No one was home, and I pulled out a pocketknife and made three long lines down my forearm. I tried to focus on the physical pain. I tried so hard. And by the time Buffy remembered me, I had cleaned up the blood and was crying in the corner. No one would know my secret now, because Tara was dead, and so was our promise. If I couldn't have Tara, then I could have this.


	2. Be Careful What You Wish For

Be careful what you wish for

She offered me some breakfast, but I pushed it away and promised her I'd eat at school. It was so easy to lie through my teeth these days, Buffy was far to busy thinking about Spike to notice my lack of eating. She sighed and put the cereal back in the pantry. I smirked behind her back; it was easy for her to lie between her teeth to. That's how we live.

School was dull; I flunked a math test, skipped lunch, and got detention after school. Janice got detention too, so it wasn't a total waste of my time. The supervisor was getting used to seeing us now a days. I didn't care if I got in trouble anymore, why should I? I mean, I'm not even real. Anyone who will ever "worry" about me has died, or is dead to me already. And it's not like I give a damn anymore anyways. Buffy thinks I'm at Janice's doing homework, but Janice's mom thinks she's at my house. It's amazing how it all works out. I laughed out loud.

After detention I walked home alone after stopping for a soda. I hadn't eaten all day, and I figured a Soda wouldn't hurt. Then I cut through the alley way, and I could almost hear Buffy's annoyed voice in my head "Dawn, you shouldn't walk alone outside. There are to many dangerous things out there." Dawn laughed again. It's not like Buffy cared. It's not like I care either. I began to wish I could run away, away from my boring life. I was giving up on pretending everything was fine. Giving up slowly.

I looked down at my shoes and sighed. Life was too dull. Just once I wish something interesting would happen. I took another sip of soda. I hated Spike for taking up all of Buffy's time. I hated Xander and Anya for being too busy thinking about sex. I couldn't hate Willow, for thinking about Tara. I couldn't hate Tara; I couldn't even bear to think of Tara. The memory of her finding my secret out flashed through my mind. I shut my eyes and threw the bottle of soda against the brick wall. The glass shattered into a million little shards, similar to my aching heart. She was the only one who cared. In a rage, I picked up a shard of glass and pushed my sleeve up. I did it quick and swift, I didn't even hesitate anymore. I had just begun to relax when I heard a deep grumble, like a growl, behind me. My heart sped up as I turned around and stood face to face with an all to familiar vampire.


	3. Desperation

Desperation

I almost laughed. Almost. He asked me what the bloody hell I was doing. I told him to bugger off. He was shocked. I never spoke like that. I was always nice, polite Dawnie. The precious little sister of the Slayer. Well I was sick of it. I walked away from him. He got over the shock of my new attitude and grabbed my arm and spun me around. I yanked my arm away and pulled down the sleeve. It was none of his business. He cut in front of me, blocking my way home. I narrowed my eyes. "What the hell do you want?" I asked, annoyed.

"I saw you nibblet. I saw the blood. I saw the look on your face. Don't pretend I don't know what I'm talking about. I can see the denial in your eyes. So this is what you do. You think a little blood and pain wont hurt anyone?"

"Not anyone important." I spat back.

I tried to walk around him, but he stepped in front of me again. "What has gotten into you Dawn? This isn't like you at all."

"Just leave me alone or I'll…" I began.

"Or you'll what? Cut yourself again? Run and hide behind your big sis and ask her to protect you from the people who CARE about you? How about we go have a nice little chat with big sis right about now, how about that Dawn."

"Don't you dare! This is none of your business. You don't care! You don't want to 'talk' to Buffy! You just want to SCREW her!" I saw the shock in your eyes and laughed. "What? You think I don't hear you guys? I know what you doing! Jesus! I'm not seven years old!"

Spike was speechless. She wasn't supposed to know. Dawn shoved past him, with surprising strength. She must get her strength from all that anger Spike pondered. He was going to run after her, but realized she probably needed to be alone right now, for the better or worse.

Dawn was running. She couldn't have anyone know. She just couldn't. The last person who found out died. And much as Dawn didn't like Spike right now, she couldn't lose anyone else. Even if it was a soulless thing like Spike.


	4. Lies

Lies

The door burst open as a very exhausted and overwhelmed Dawn came rushing into her home. If she could even call it a home. The sound of a door slamming filled the house, awaking her resting sister.

"Dawnie? What's wrong?" A worried Buffy asked from the couch.

Dawns mind raced for a lie. Spike knows. Would he tell Buffy?

"Oh nothing's wrong, I just felt like jogging, good exercise…" Dawn stuttered.

Buffy narrowed her eyes and Dawn could tell that she didn't believe her. Buffy sighed and sat back down on the couch. She looked quizzically at her younger sister and asked her if everything was all right.

"Oh ya, everything's great! Just uh had kind of a rough day at school," Dawn said. It wasn't technically a lie, since school had been rough. "Really Buffy, It's no big."

Buffy bought it and thirty seconds later Dawn was alone in her room, pressing a razor to her arm in hopes of forgetting a horrible day. It seemed like ages later, but it was only half an hour that Buffy yelled up the stairs to Dawn's room that she was going out patrolling. "Okay" Dawn yelled empty heartily. She was just beginning to think of cleaning up the bloody towel and razor when her sister finished her sentence. Spike was coming over to watch her. "Okay" Dawn yelled again, as she scrambled to hide the razor and bloody washcloth, both were shoved between her mattress and she ran to the washroom. She scrubbed the cut, and stopped the bleeding. Feeling the usual calm she felt after performing her secret. But her heart was racing, faster than it had in a long time. What would Spike say. What if Spike told Buffy? Dawn's mind was so filled with possibilities that she barely heard the door open and shut. Dawn gulped, and pulled her sleeve back down and headed back to her room, in hopes of avoiding an inevitable conversation.

She put her music on. She picked up her science textbook and attempted to look like she was studying. She stared at the textbook for fifteen minutes, ignoring the worried vampires stare from the hallway. She pretended she didn't see him. But she could see the look in his eye. Worry. Dawn held back a laugh. She heard him walk towards the doorway, and she glanced at him. He still wore that look of worry on his disgusting soulless face. This time she laughed out loud.

"It's not funny luv, you've got me worried." Dawn laughed, and asked him how long it would be until he told Buffy. Spike responded half heartily, "I already have."


	5. Blame

Blame 

"WHAT?" Dawn exploded.

Spike gave her the half smile that she used to love so much "Just kidding luv, thought-"

Dawn slapped him across the face. "That is nothing to joke around with. This is none of your business. So stay out of it, and keep Buffy out of it or so help me…"

Spike clenched his jaw. He wasn't in the mood to be slapped around, especially by someone who used to be so polite and respectful. "Thought you should know what it would be like if, and when, I do tell Buffy."

Dawn gave him her hardest glare. "You can't tell Buffy." Spike looked at her, but she couldn't bear to look into his dead eyes. "No luv, I can't. That's something that YOU have to do." Dawn met his eyes, almost as dead as her own. She stood there speechless for a few minutes, as he looked her up and down. He noted the weight loss, the heavy eyeliner and the bags under her eyes. And he breathed in. He smelled blood. He glanced towards her left arm, and she saw him looking. "No…" Dawn began. But within a flash, he had grabbed her wrist and gently pulled the sleeve down to her elbow. He took a photograph with his mind. These scars and cuts would haunt him for a very long time. Every cut, or scar, told a story. Her arm was a journal or pain. He examined the other arm, to find it equally mauled. He rolled her sleeves back down, and gently grabbed her shoulders, then pulled her into a warm embrace.

Dawn didn't know why she let him see her arms. They weren't his business. But then she saw something in his eyes, tears. A glimpse in the light, and then a solitary tear was running down his rough cheek. She felt a tear escape from her own eye, the first tear she'd cried since Tara had left her, abandoned her alone with these ignorant jerks. She looked spike in the eye, and they were both crying, and holding each other. It was a brief moment, but Dawn had let someone back into her world. A world that Spike forbade to be so pained ever again. He vowed to be there for her. He promised her. But when he said, "promise" Dawn's vision went blurry and she saw Tara standing there, and then spike. They joined hands and told Dawn that as long as she let people care, that they would keep dying, and it would forever be her fault. Dawn pushed Spike away, she couldn't lose him too.

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